CLASS HAS STARTED! arrrgh! not used to it... wahhahahha plus so many things have been screwed up in my com.... arrrgh.... lol.... so far so good though...
all righty! lets talk abt the year in retrospect... things are so far so good.... i think this might actually be a good year... the year i turn 21... my adult year... so i guess... thats it for all the fun and games... and be serious... but u know... im happy.... happy that at least the people important to me... at least... know im alive, ok la... i get happy over small things... im a guy thats easily sastified... even if ya drop me a sms on new year, something sweet... i will be overjoyed already...
watched the new year fireworks @ the esplanade with the brothers, another once in a lifetime event... ushering the new year of '06, and so... with this new start, im setting up goals to achieve this year...
No. 1
Get my car licenseNo. 2
get my hair braidedNo. 3
dye my hair redNo. 4
think about getting a serious relationshipNo. 5
Pass O lvl mathsNo. 6
get mom her b'd present for '06No. 7
Treat my sisters and mom betterNo. 8
do well in schNo. 9
Train for NSalso, not to forget, work hard for the company, be more mature and to stop being so childish any more.. seems like kinda alot here... but im confident i can do it...
u know... i have been thinking about alot of things recently... about life... death... and things on my mind... ranging from small things to big things... and.... i dont know.... i feel like i have to put some of my personal thoughts here... to clear things up... and make it clearer for me to think about things i have put in black n white...
here goes...
first... about life.... i sorta see my future as bleak? i kinda envy some of my bros... lookin @ them.. going through NS already... nearly through... then they are going to Uni. compared to em, im still in poly, a slow starter.. lagging behind everyone.. trying to catch up... and some days... it seems so tiring... so hard to just carry on... its a burden... but i want to get on, i want to prove that i can stand on my own 2 feet too... even right now... im paying for my poly fees myself... trying hard to be independent... working when i can just for an extra bit of pocket money... and in doing so... i give up alot of things in my youth... but in this aspect... i have learned too... from this... i will make sure my future family, wife and kids will not have to go through what i have... i want to let them have a good life of luxury, never worring about when the next meal is gonna be... and... i wanna be a good dad to my kids too... u know... i didnt exactly have a good childhood... and... im scared to think of the times i had as a kid... especially.. memories of my own father... the only thing i remember.. the only happy event.. was when he carried me on his shoulders when i was a kid... arouind 4-5 years old... after that... it was all scolding.. beating... i still remember... i always get beaten by him alot... and i was not happy much of the time.... i was a weak kid too... proud, but weak... i suffered alot due to asthma, and i was always going to the hospital every 2 weeks or so to get on the respirator to be able to breathe... coz of that... i always sat out of PE lessons in Pri sch... and grew weaker... i was always regarded as weak in my father's eyes... humiliation... and the way he treated my sisters and mom... pathetic.. over the years... i lost respect for him.
is this how an adult should behave? abusing others, screaming and shouting all the time... even smoking in the house when he knows all of us kids have asthma, and doing so will just aggravate the conditions... also, all the unreasonable behaviour and demands, and the pure incopetenicy of his being just disgusts me. ok, so ur business failed, so get another job and stop investing time and money on useless stuff like gardening, fish farms, grass farms (FUCKING STUPID. WHO THE FUCK WANTS GRASS. GRASS FARM. REALLY. DUMB!) and buying useless antiques. and mostly fake and fugly ones. most of the statues are also of chinese gods n such shit which no one on earth will buy. ARGH! u shld just go to hell dad. fuck off. and this is just touching the surface. suffice to know that his actions, as well as threatening me for the last time (he was holding a parang @ my head) got him landed in jail and now, with enough bullshit from him, moms getting a divorce. yea. at last.
they say men learn from their mistakes, but wise men learn from the mistakes of others. lesson learnt, point noted. i will never be like that. and this is a personal promise to myself, and my future significant other. i promise, whoever you may be, that no matter what things come to, i will still have my pride as a man who loves you, and will always take good care of you.
yepp.. so thats it for the future. i will be a respectable man, who treats his family with love and concern, never doing anything to undermine their trust that they place in me, and i will always protect the people who mean the most to me... always.
then... comes the death part. with my bloodlines, i dont even know what i am. my bloodlines are a mix of different races, and so far what i have traced is that we have dutch blood, japanese, chinese blood from my moms side. and thai and chinese from HIS side. so... what does this make me? no idea... but still... i can say my upbringing was strict... and i learnt alot of things from the elders... languages and honor from Moms father, which makes him my maternal grandfather, and always the love from my maternal grandmother. always playin with jas, jer and me when we were young... taking care of us... coz when we were young... we went to their place daily.. alot of things i learnt there... good times... good times.. i never knew my grandparents of my fathers side. they all died soon after i was born.
so... what do i expect of death? i remember... i have been thinking of this topic since i was around what? 6? when its dark... and quiet... and cold... i tend to think... "is this what its like to die?" and from there i thought more and more... and since its a fact that everyone has to die someday... i was also thinking of how i want to die... strange huh? thinking of all this when im just a kid... and... still thinking of them now... after a few years of thought... i sorta came up with a rough idea of how i wanna die... i wanted to die in a garden... lying in the lap of the one i love... or... if need be... in a blaze of glory... which means... dying in a war, a battle, if things really come down to it... protecting the ones i love... since young... i was taught to always be prepared of death... to die... but... i was also taught.. not to value death... not to treat life cheaply... a life is precious... but if it comes down to protecing something more precious to you... then by all means... its the most honorable thing to do... altruism... the sacrifice of one person for the lives of many... or... doing what is right. grandfather always taught me well... and when he talks of World war II... the things he saw... the things he did... the things he had to do... i really respect him.. and in my eyes, he was always the war hero... i aspire to be like him... in fact, the Goh family, which is my moms original surname, has ties to the singaporean goverment as well... death to some people would be a release... but then think again... what have you acheived? is it ok for it to end like this? can you face yourself? in fact... call me silly, delusioned, or plain crazy... but i might also want to die in a really old fashioned way... in a sword fight, duel, as a Kensai. i never had the time to complete the training... in case you didnt know, a Kensai literally means "Ken" = sword "Sai" = saint. put those words together and you get "Kensai" meaning Sword Saint, a rank of japanese swordsmen considered to be the highest of rank and the most powerful, going down in history, like miyamoto musashi.. wouldnt it be glorious to die as one of them? dreams perhaps, laugh perhaps... but i have had this thinkin for a long time already... and since a long time ago... i was already prepared for death.. wich may happen anytime... maybe these are boyish thoughts for this modern age... but... who knows eh? a dream to die with a niche carve out for yourself... remembered... wouldnt it be proof that you existed?
now... for the random thoughts and such... about what i feel and things i find strange, things i dont know if it has happened to others, or if others feel the same, do the same too..
i dont know... but.... sometimes... i feel that on certain days, or certain times, i can see what i am not suppoused to see... feel things... or hear things.... i sometimes wonder if i have a sense... that allows me to guess what is going to happen or something... or i really have a strong feeling of something that is going to happen... and it does? sometimes... i can just guess that something is going to happen... just that i dont know what... and just when the thought is formed... that something happens? sometimes its freaky.. like i think that a light, and mind you, its a streetlight... will go out, and more often that not... one light will go out... and it scares me... like... sometimes... i can also sense something.... like perhaps a person behind a door, or something is behind me... and usually its correct. and i have no idea that people were actually around me. or worse still...i can guess what people are going to do, or say... and i just cut them off halfway... as i already know what they are going to do... i mean... do these things happen to other too? is this normal?
and.. my mind... its hazy... sometimes... i just cant focus on whats doing on... and i cant see things clearly... but more as in a whole... as in how stuff is gunna turn out.. all these little things are weighing me down... slowly... and i dont know what is happening? i try my best not to think about them.. but sometimes i cant help it... do i need help? is something happening?
aww well.. things will sort itself out sooner or later... preferably sooner... and... i need to think other things through too... as in... what direction my life is taking.. where i am doing.. and such.. i always wanted to be a fighter pilot... but with the specs now... i cant make it... so im thinking about teaching... another thing i really like... but i dont know if i can do it... hahaha imagine talking to the students like friends and such... hard to do ahh... even the guys tell me that i'll probbie become a teacher just to teach the young ladies of society and maybe bag one or two of em... lol... but hey. thats not what im thinking of... sometimes.. working with kids is fun too!
oh yeah! nadine is back in singapore again!! Hi Nadine!!! "plays move bitch" lol
(she was a girl in my poly yr one, went to aust to study, accidentally made her cry... it was not intentional... but it was coz of the song, move bitch. i nv realised how fragile girls actually were. it was a lesson to be learnt) take care nadine, you will always have friends here for ya too!
haiz... just got some news... haiz.. smth i was lookin forward to was cancelled... but nvm... no worries man! no worries... the cancellation was for a good reason too... yepp so... do your best ^^ and have more and more confidence in yourself! i believe things will turn out good for you no matter what... so... do your best ^^
arrgh... falling sick again... i HATE fallin sick.... arrrgh..... wow. lookin back... i wrote alot today.. Lol okok... so i'll leave it at this for the time being... if you actually read all this, i would be impressed. lol. coz i know i wouldnt. =P
