hey blog... its been a sad period of time in this long absence... lets all start from the time where i left off...
back working, this time @ anchorpoint, helpin the inexperienced staff @ the request of jo and justin... gonna be busy these few weeks... work is tiring, but im workin with people i like, and its fun to be with em. always lively and happening, people around my age group, so i can click with em well.... yeah... and besides the workload, things are ok
BUT, because of the workload, im ignoring my family, as well as my brothers... sorry guys for always flying ur kites... and to mom, jas n jer, im sorry i cant spend xmas with you guys except for the xmas party.... and for my birthday, no worries if the plans fall through, its all right... coz i dont really see the need for a party either... nothing to celebrate
then also.... tigers mother passed away. i heard it was an illness that was plauging her for a long time... this got me most distressed in this period of time, as now, tiger is the sole breadwinner of his family, with 2 younger sisters, aged 17 and 11 to care for. and he is only 19. and serving NS. how can he cope!? =(
then.. i attended the wake as a friend... it was.... sobering... really... things come to the mind of humans when facing death... it reminded me of the time when i was hit by a car... my thoughts... and regrets.... i regarded my life as a life not worth living... but tiger... he wants to live, to care for his sisters... also... i met with calvyn, desmond, and RC... we talked with tiger for a bit... thinking of plans for him, about what he can do and such, such as asking the MP for help, or the community centers... some help, ANY help will be good... and also... we decided to sponsor his O lvl fees if he decides to take them... having an O lvl... will open his path.. and make his life easier...
also.. amanda called... chatted abit as we have not met for a long period of time, shes still the same... silly little girl, cept that she has gotten a new bf now... haha... haiz.. in the end, talked abt bf probs, a guy who dont appreciate her, treats her bad, places his friends above her, and basically treats her as a spare tyre, just like she does to me when she has a problem she cant solve.. haiz. im being used as a spare tyre for her... *sob sob* hahaha... but thats wads friends are for... a friend in need is a friend indeed... and after all, i am her bitching partner...
after the talk, went back to the guys to continue our discussion about the neo darwin theory, about competition, the need and struggle of space in the cycle of evolution and comparing it with the darwin theory... then, it became a study of physics as des and calvyn started on sparring tips on "which hit would be the most painful" still childish guys... still childish... oh yeah... calvyn broke up with his girl that day too... poor guy... even though he said he was ok, and that he was expecting it, i guess i was the only one who really understood how he feels... and also... from the eyes which turned red... haiz....
then.. the discussion turned to a more mature and realistic side... about men... and how me turn out after a breakup with someone they really really love with all their heart and soul... a topic which endears to me... as i have felt that too...
but i guess it is true then... men really DO change after a breakup... they either turn out like shit, or turn out to be a much better man than they ever were, living for each moment, and being happy.... life is worth living even without that someone special.
ITS A LIEthey do that... so they dont feel the hurt inside, trying to hide and shy away at every chance... and then... as i was having this conversation... i realised that the same happened to me too.... a long time ago... and i guess.. its still happening... and is started thinking... have i fallen? have i really fallen to such a depth? thinking back... about life.... when i was shattered... i put my all in the work and business...drowning myself in work... ignoring people who are trying to help me out... then... there was the start of clubbing...and drinking.... and even... the start of something..which i stopped as quickly as possible... then came the part of going out with random girls... all being a replacement for her... all the way till poly... till i met someone...
i felt life change after poly... the world became a better place... more life and color... i used to eat but not taste, listen but not hear, speak but not talk... life was dull.. but it rose... better.. and better...
as i am now.. looking back on the past.. Reminiscing.. thinking... and still i have not come to a conclusion... have i fallen? i was talking to a close friend and dear godsister about this... and she said that... i have fallen... i have become a ghost of my former self... the person...that i used to be... the part that...
the part that fell in love with wenting..
no one but a select group know of this girl, the first girl that i had a crush on when i was younger... she was 2 years my junior, and i knew her through my god sister... she always came over to the north side on weekends, and somehow... i just fell for her @ first sight... she was there @ SSC coz her father was worried for her... i remember still... the jokes, laughter... many memories that will never be replaced... and... in the end... when i summoned the courage to ask her that question... i was rejected.. without knowing why.... but... now i know... hey et... guess wat? no surprise her... it was her father that objected. surprisingly, @ the wake of tigers mother, i met many common old friends, a few of which were her close friends, and they just happened to mention it... haiz... so it was not cos she didnt like me..
dumb eh? just a couple of months later, i was going out with her best friend, which was angelia. tragic? but i have to admit... i felt for angelia too..
now what? im still thinking on me... selfish me... have i fallen??
can someone tell me... oshide kudasai~
and if i have fallen... what can be done to save myself?
im still thinking... on this journey of life... thinking.... thinking.... and oh yea aishah! my blog profile is still CORRECT! im still 19 ok~... not the big 20.. YET. and yeah... heres the update u requested foR... haha... in fact... i wanna still write more... but im still thinking about the rest.. so... yeah....
till nx time... jonnyboy signing off...
