coz i have been busy recently... yeah... really friggin busy. been drowning my free time n depression in games and drinks.. having recuring nightmares, sleep cycles all upside down. going nuts to say the least..
and tomorrow... gunna face the class again... somehow... i feel like an outsider... and i hate this feeling.. and im sure that not only me feels this way. theres one girl in my class that looks like Kian, and she even is from the same secondary school as him. lol. maybe its a long long lost relative xD even the work attitude is like him.
haiz.. my family problems are coming up again... to my close friends who know, all of them are very concerned about this... and even as i type, we are all bitching about it. and nagging, and talking... god its so boring. im so sick of this conversation already after all dis crap, and its wearing down my nerves... i have alot of things on my mind too. sometimes... i really need someone to hug and cry with, but no one seems to understand that at all... not my family, my friends...
sometimes i really feel like a small kid, alone, scared, frightened... with no idea what he wants or can do, fate controlled by forces unbeknown to him.
at least i take solace from the fact that im working, and self supporting... i dont need to rely on mom now, and soon, i wont need to rely on anyone else. however, no choice lar.. gotta work for independence, i almost spend all i earn at work on myself, food, outings etc etc. usually have no savings -.-
i want people to return the cash they owe me NOW. bloody hell... been dragging it for so damn long already, and im seriously suffering from it. sometimes, people lend cash, and nv think of the other persons situation, because of the owed cash, i couldnt buy something for someone which i really wanted to. dammit. dammit to hell. people can be real selfish sometimes... guess thats the way the world goes huh? in that case, this is another reason why i shld harden my heart further and be more isolated... letting no one in except the closest of friends.
fucked up people can jolly well go to hell n die too. bitch called me a fuckin liar and not to push the blame on others. fuck lar cb. i already admitted its my own fault. whats ur fuckin problem? ccb soon u'll get fired lar... i can promise u that.
sometiomes i meet people who have no manners and social ettique. can cough directly at peoples faces n still not apologise. thats why ur abandoned. social outcast. sad eh? point at others? saying how dumb we are? heh. there is no pure good or evil, but there are things that u can CHANGE. think about it. and change ur self first.
haiz... all the hatred in me... still not spent? am i such a hateful person? maybe its time to find the reaches of my hate... unknowingly, i have become a very terrible person, listening to what others say, but still keeps my own views... i pity the people who get swayed by others, having no will of their own, no mind of their own, being controlled by people whose will and charisma are stronger than theirs, if that is the case then whats the point of being human? might as well be a dog and get 3 square meals a day, get patted and taken care of like the useless animal they are, seemingly oblivious to the peril they are in, and that the more influential person can wreck their lives at any moment. such is the way of the world perhaps? and to think i started out on this day happy.
routine lifestyle bores me to death, true, there are some interesting moments, but i dont see how it balances out the rest. thats why i break the rules, go against the flow, coz i want my existance to be more meaningful and exciting... took neoprints with LuAn yesterday... lol i looked good. bloody et said i have a knack for looking cute. dammit. asked me if i ever thought of becoming a professional clown -.-" talkin abt LuAn, well... i think shes a good friend to have, someone i can talk to... gotta buy some dinner for her some time when shes working too. hahaha. poor girl... eats very little and works alot too. plus, eating pizza and ice cream all da time is just wrong. so many things in life out there to enjoy and taste... dunno why la...but not much topics to chat abt.. lol... hoping to change that soon. but... shes christian... and im afraid sometimes i might say something offensive. friends that know me for ages already... u guys know the reason... and jolly well know its not a matter of might... its a matter of WHEN. *DOOMSDAY*
haiz... i guess its still a stalemate with someone.. is liking a person that hard? i dont know... i wish i knew... what u think... or at least... still be friends... like b4...i already know the answer... and i wont force ya... but know that im always there for u.. wonder if u'll even see dis? =(
tomorrow im returning dawn of war back to a fellow classmate.... lol... gunna get screwed. told him i will return by friday... but that day i pon class. xD dunno if he will make noise... if he does.. and bitches alot abt it... then i guess he is an ass that i dun have to be bothered with, and probbie label him under the "fucked up ppl" in my msn. =X so far that catergory has only one person in it... no prizes for guessing whos the lucky sonnuvabitch.
bitched alot today... feeling slightly better now.. lol i wonder who really read all dis? if ya did... kindly tell moi at the tagbox lol.
